I want to tell you some of my story, my tale, as just one meandering path, an example of how we can all find ways to heal internally, physically, and spiritually. There are many paths to Love. And, I know that our historical and biological stories aren’t sometimes as important in our healing as other energies or influences. Although we usually start there in order to “clear out the dross” as David Clements suggests. More on him later.
Here I am during the crone stage of my life, finally realizing my greatest passion so far, and my mission and hope for all of life. My life thus far has been mostly a good one, and often I have felt a lack, an unsettledness, or an emptiness that many people may feel, like something’s not quite right or something’s not completely healed within me.
I can tell many stories about wandering around much of my life being a seeker, searching not only for friendships, improved family relationships, and partner love, but also realizing or noticing that I have longed for something deeper or more expansive and fulfilling than human connection. Dogs and other pets come close.
At one point, I wondered if this new phase was just a continuation of my normal path, often moving from one thing to another, one home to another, one friend or project to another. After all, I had been trained well in my family of origin to pull up roots, seek new roots, engage, and then move on to a new ecosystem.
I am a sometimes restless person who has enjoyed the newness of change. I enjoy meeting new people and new places - and I have also longed for more stability, more contentment and ongoingness within this world in this human life.
I grew up in the deep South, and went to college at Sewanee. I moved to Nashville, TN, afterwards and have spent over 50 years here. And, I kept moving house to house, relationship to relationship, and job to job, which may have seemed to help me manage my feelings and my energies over time.
A few sets of tragedies occurred during my late 60’s and early 70’s. One is that my father died in 2013, a man who had been “my” guy, my daddy whom I loved so very much. And, we had “lost” him some years before his passing as he had developed dementia over time. When he died, I was able to postpone or distract from my grief about him by worrying about my living mother and pouring my time and energy into helping her with her life without him. They had been married 69 yrs at that point and although she was a very capable, well functioning woman, I knew that her life had changed drastically when he died - and I felt badly for her, or at least for me.
True to my mother’s nature, she grieved hard, although silently, acting stoic much of the time, and she also picked herself up and continued to connect with human beings, living in community with them, and making good friends which sustained her for another 9 yrs after he died. My mother was also a very spiritual person as was my dad.
Secondly, the COVID pandemic hit hard in 2020. My husband and I took great precautions to not get infected and shut down much of our in person social and work lives, switching to zoom for our careers as psychotherapists. As scary and isolating as that time was for us, the pandemic offered me something I had never offered myself, except on tiny vacations alone. And, that is, a time of slowing down, separating myself physically from my community and work that had not only always intrigued me but seemed vitally necessary for me to live contentedly in this world. I was heartbroken about all the deaths due to COVID, but during the pandemic, I began enjoying my life even more than I had previously, except while I was being a mother to a young child which I LOVED tremendously.
I slowed down, meaning that I wasn’t as what I called “jacked up” as I used to be. Aging helped with that process also. No longer did I have the youthful energy I used to have, but I found much enjoyment in being a student again, learning about all sorts of new ideas and practices, from quantum family constellations to witchy practices to how leadership and collaboration were both very important to me, and how I continued to gather groups around me for my own personal support, health and well-being.
The third big set of events was that my mother had a stroke at 98 yrs old, lived for another year brain damaged, and then died at 99-1/2. What an incredible process that was with my taking on the responsibilities of being her caretaker. She had often taken care of me previous to that time. Losing my mother was BIG, the woman who had so nourished me all of my life, even though we had some conflict at times. Then, my sister died a few months after my mother had passed. Helen and I had had a contentious relationship at times, being very different personalities, and not understanding one another very well. Still, another big loss. These two most intimate and connected women in my life, my mother and my sister, were suddenly gone physically. Throughout life, I had spent much time and energy wrapped up in my patterns with them, and after their deaths, I felt more free, liberated and relieved on the one hand, and I also mourned both of them greatly. Interesting how death can change relationships over time.
I found my career early on in my twenties and worked hard all of my life, finding great enjoyment and engagement in my career, with people and organizations of all sorts. I didn’t consciously realize how important working hard was for me at the time. I only realized that as I tried to retire. I had spent most of my energy and time committed to my work, feeling very aligned with my career. But, also, each day, I would rush home to be alone after engaging with people all day long every day. I needed time to decompress and manage the stimulation and stresses that I felt every day, and I was also codependent, wanting to take care of people at work and at home, being driven to do more for people than perhaps was good for them or for me. Carl Jung describes the role I played most of my life as the false self. That may be why the pandemic was so important and helpful for me: I couldn’t follow my usual patterns of being busy and engaging with people all day long in person. Instead I could have more time alone in my own presence (and with Mother Nature and my family which always included pets of some sort), and I still engaged with small groups online in classes, support groups, all sorts of groups. They were and are spiritual, political, psychedelic, and dynamic communities of people. And, I learned for the first time in my life, how to rest.
Being an active, busy person, I found that exercise really helped me during all of my adult years. Exercising burned off some of the energy I stored up inside my body during daylight hours, and helped me calm down and feel good. Only recently did I find out that I have a lot of fire in my astrology chart and that may be partly why I needed to cool off to douse some of the flames. I also retained a spark though which pleases me greatly.
But, my nervous system still seemed jacked up. My mind was a bit obsessive, I worried a lot, and felt anxious. I hadn’t slept well as an adult until the past years, and ran on adrenaline much of the time. I decaffeinated myself at some point so that I could reduce my being wired up physically, and I finally allowed myself to see a psychiatrist, primarily to help me sleep better. We finally found a nice cocktail of medications that not only helped me sleep better and more deeply than before, but also helped me not feel quite so stimulated by the world outside of me. I had labeled myself a highly sensitive person at one point and learned strategies about how to decompress and relax my nervous system, even though I often felt bombarded in this world, not just by noise and political conflicts, but mostly while being with people, sensing and participating in so many energies and still difficult dynamics affected me all day, and kept me up at night.
Throughout my adult years, I also used alternative health assistance practices: body work and breath work, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, the iChing, psychic consultation, couples therapy, Chinese medicine, meditation retreats, a Healy frequency device, psychedelic retreats and journeys, hormone replacement therapy, massage, quantum astrology, ketamine, and many other alternative medicines or sacramental practices. Now, I practice what I call, Peace Energy Healing.
After my mother died, my husband and I began staying in the Forgotten Coast in FL during the winters where big birds like herons, pelicans, osprey and small doves greeted me daily with squawks and coo-ing, ushering me into another whole new way of life, more relaxed, more alone, and more peaceful than I had ever experienced before.
Being in Florida away from my community felt extremely healing to me. The sun warmed me, the moon shined brightly at night, and I could finally see the amazing stars beaming regularly for the first time in my life. The FL salt air and the quiet have been fabulous. Galactic and earthly energies poured into me every moment of every day, culminating in a paradise that I had not known before. My heartbeat has slowed down, as did my energy, my body and my life. Family constellations assisted me in healing some of my codependency. Pure and luscious paradise….
I had also participated in a year long Inner Temple Mystery School with Rebecca Campbell; I have studied The Gene Keys with Richard Rudd; and now, I participate in one of the greatest processes and offerings I know about - for me. And that is, with Dr. David Clements, especially with the meditations that he and his Teams offer to a Patreon group of people all over the world. His practices and channelings are just what I have needed at this time of my life, and I highly recommend others checking him out. His website is called Infinite Source Creations and you can watch several interviews with him online.
It is now clear to me that all of my life and particularly lately, I have been on a spiritual quest for Peace. Using practices that have helped me receive light, love, and grace from Spirit has led me to not work so hard, to sit still more, to listen better, and to glow more brightly myself.
Only in the past two years, have I added in one other ingredient or variable to my recipe of practices for the first time. I began using a gifted spiritual counselor or healer, who has worked with me at a deep healing level unlike all of my other previous practices, or rather, this particular spiritual counseling has been an evolutionary process that I may have finally been ready for. It has offered me a deep dive into myself, into Spirit/Source (or whatever name you call the Divine), into my family of origin and childhood development, into the influences of growing up in this patriarchy, and how I can step away or move past come of that conditioning to connect with Spirit more directly and profoundly. I had always felt spiritual but also felt separate from the Divine for much of my adult life which is actually a common human thing to do - and I was not totally conscious about this. Finally, I am getting it that we are really all One with Spirit, and not separate from Spirit even though we talk in dualities most of the time. With this realization, direct experience, and epiphany, I have found more true Trust than ever before.
Now, a fluid web of brilliant light energy continues to be co-created which not only comforts me but enhances my life in ways I haven’t known about before. Meaning, I haven’t really “known” about them in an embodied way before. Like I have really “gotten” this Peace Energy Healing (or LOVE) differently than ever before. And, I want to continue this practice and share it with the world in any ways I can.
Here is one way Elizabeth Gilbert describes life on this earth. In one of her weekly writings, she says: "Dearest little basket of apples — oh, let’s GO!, Your body wants you to know that she loves you, and that you are a miracle. And she wants you to know that she loves being alive, and that THAT is a miracle. And she wants to tell you not to worry about her too much, or get all precious and perfectionist about her experience, because what you call your “body” is actually an absolutely wild, thrumming assemblage of human and non-human entities who all “decided” — at some level of consciousness that is far beyond your worried little mind to understand, but resembles somewhat the murmuration of bird flocks or fish schools who move as one — all these entities “decided” to all voluntarily clump together to sign up for this whole entire experience, all of this, for all of it, for the entire ride of embodiment, of life…”
Or, as Richard Rudd says, “Peace has to be found on the inside before it can manifest on the outside (6th Gene Key siddhi: https://genekeys.com/pulse/6-peace-2025/)... And, within all this external chaos…. a tiny humble wildflower is growing up through the cracks in the pavement….It only takes root in certain people and it’s a virus called Love. Peace comes about when Love is allowed to expand… peace is in the earth and we listen… inner silence descends. With it [peace], all seeking comes to an end… peace is our true original nature… we will radiate peace. Nothing can disturb that peace, not even death.” True peace really does pass all understanding.
Now, what about you? What recipe ingredients have you laced your life with? Into what depths have you travelled? And, what mysterious adventurous processes might help you come out into the Light of the World of Humanity, and also into galactic space with so many ancestors, incredible spirit beings and assistance, who all guide us always toward the Light? Those inner and outer beings (which, remember, are already part of us and inside us and we in them), who love us all of the time even when we are not conscious of it. Who are at one with us even if we don’t seem to be with them. Who help guide us through every decision we have ever made. I see now that Spirit, or whatever you call the Divine Presence, and our higher selves or souls, are always with us and we can never be alone.
What are you yearning for, what healing processes seem like they might be useful to you? We are all such unique beings with such complexities of energies, genetics, and experiences. May you find a series of paths and miracles that co-create Peace Energy Healing within you.
