Always Hoped to Please

 Pleasing others worked for so long

That it had to stop

Because suffering snuck up

And blasted away my energy

Encouraging anger and resentment

Instead of believing I was to feed the world

I incorrectly believed I was to be the food

Like a neon sign, I lit up

With these words: "Eat me"

No, not in a sexual way but 

"I am here for you, to fill you up

To bring you peace, give you 

Whatever you need, I will do my best 

To respond or rather

I will offer before you can even

Ask

Maybe you wouldn't have asked

At all.

What do I want?  "Oh, dear,

I don't need anything," I said too often

What do I want?

To stop feeding others with my resources

My body, my generosity

My energy and time

And to feed myself for awhile

Or better yet, to be fed

What would I like on the menu?

Some delightful foods and drink

Most of all, I want your love

Not just being needed but wanted

So sharing can happen

No more one-way streets

By meeting your needs 

I got some of my needs met

Codependency, they call it

No more sacrificial lamb 

At the height of what felt like empathy

Has been my untethered narcissism

Clear as a bell

No one can save the world

No one can make another happy

But we can bring our full selves

To each other to be touched

Gazed upon, acknowledged and

Understood

What freedom!

A release from the chains of

A life-long belief that my job

Was to care for others

Now, I am taking care of myself

(Which feels extremely odd)

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Cherries and Rust

In my dream during the last full moon

She came, a young child beckoning me

Weaving herself into my life, she brought

Cherries and Rust

Faith and Fear

Love and Hope

I asked her to lead me

Beside the still waters

Restoring my soul

As Truth Teller, she used not words

But images and music

Showing me how to find my own truth

Exploring Nature’s magic

Glory oozing into my body from 

Outside of me, underneath me

And beside me

Anointing me with sacred blessings

She became a dark, black crow

As my skin melted and I became one

With the universe, its liquids and gases

I asked her, What do you have to share with me?

"Truth, Liberation, Freedom

Ever evolving, ever lasting

Seeds falling off of our skin into

Other people’s puddles, joining with

Their dirt and the dirt of all

Of our ancestors”

Must we always have war? I asked

Her caw was raucous and piercing

“What is war but the never ending

Circling of buzzards, flying above

The dead, grasping for chunks of flesh

To fill their empty bellies

Their continuous thirst for the blood

That keeps them alive

Even buzzards are part of creation”

I don’t quite understand, I said

And she flew to me, whispering

“Warm, golden oil is being poured

Over you and over all the earth

Animating your hearts

Mending your joints

While you collapse from the

Heavy weight of all your past burdens

Let go now and relax in peace

Come fly with me into your new life

Join me and live with me for awhile

Then you will know and understand

How all of what you see, feel and hear

Makes so much sense in 

This grand puzzle called life

Your thinking and 

Worrying will vanish

As you and all beings experience 

The Grace of all existence”

My Mother's Moving Forward

My mother’s brain all a jumble

Or, finally clear at last?

Sacred thin veils that

Part into liminal space

What isn’t needed has fallen away

She nows see the true colors

Of everything

Visitors from beyond come frequently

To bear witness to my mother

Her memories, joys, fears and sorrows

What does this child do?

Dive with her into the deep blue sea

Swimming with the fish and mammals

And plants, while feeling safe

Inside and out?

Play quietly, listening to her stories

About who visited last night

Who honored her with a party?

Why don’t I know about the little house

She wants me to sell, why don’t I

Have the deed? “What house?” I ask

My father once dead, lives again

Sleeping with her nightly

She shook with sobs when he died once more

The next day, he was alive, Praise Be!

I rise up as often as I can to see her

Never knowing what will greet me as I enter

The light flows in, such an airy space

Dream images of dinners with deceased friends

And family, dance in front of our eyes

I am blessed to see my mother in this

New and amazing space, though troubling

At first, now delightful some of the time

Watching her interact with loved ones who

Celebrate her life while she still lives

She feels them next to her even when 

Geographically apart

So many people in this open room

One day, I may also visit her

After her passing as she wanders

Into my brain tangles and heart space

Knowing she still lives beside me