A Miracle

Grief envelopes her
Shakes her like a rag doll
With desperate despair,
Knocks the wind out of her
Until she crumples in on herself
Breathless and torn.

Pain and agony
Well up and spill over
Like a flood
Rushing through the 
Streets destroying
Everything in its path.

How to express this
Deep anguish and sadness
Instead of holding it, 
Just holding it, pushing it
Down, down, down,
Hoping it will wither
Away and bother her
No more?

The feelings start a separate
Life of their own
Taking root deep inside, aching
Her gut, gradually growing
every moment, every year.
Can she touch that planted
Wonder if she tries,
Or is it completely
Invisible to her?

Protected she is 
From so many troubling
Feelings when she smiles
And moves about, working
Through her daily struggle. But,
She tries to stay numb, stay numb,
Not brave enough to
Travel down into her inner dwellings
To look upon or touch
Those shut off feelings
Wickedly stored away in the 
Vault of her heart.

Tears flow at
Uncertain times
When nothing seems
To call them.
She weeps, she screams
She wails and begs
To keep from experiencing
The torment of these 
Old, old feelings.

They didn’t seem to hurt so much back then
Because her child self wasn’t so aware,
Since she was taught not to express much
Feeling of any sort.
Not to display any excitement nor worry,
Anger nor fear. 
Because those made others
Uncomfortable and they
Said “Stop” or “Calm down!”
Or, “You are being too sensitive.”
Forcefully, threateningly.
The message: Harbor any untoward
Feelings - even jubilation;
Until she stabbed
Her sister with a pick up stick
After her sister annoyed her
One too many times.

Usually, she plays sweetly
Until she just can’t stand
It anymore and she lashes out,
Out of control.
Breaking apart and shattering
Into pieces, afraid she thinks
She will never be able to redesign
Herself, restructure herself
While allowing all of her
Feelings and thoughts to 
Be known at least
By her.

That breaking apart seems

So scary, but no worse
Than the holding in, holding on,
Holding all of these feelings for
So long that the storm began,
The dam broke
Endangering everyone
Around her.
What happens then?

“Oh, excuse me,” as if
She had just belched.
“Oh, pardon me” for 
Allowing her shame and
Darkness to sprout and
Blossom like kudzu in 
Mississippi, stringing all the
Other vines together, 
Squelching the life out of 
Everything around her
Energetic growth.

But, now…..

She is done with this.
No longer holding,
No longer flooding nor
Slinging her poison
Arrows and swords.
What to do now?

Just be.